Sellout.

The existential dilemma of creating a menu as an ABC.

bacon cheeseburger potstickers

The longer I’m away from the pop-up scene, the more desperate I am to document my thoughts and feelings before they start slipping away. I’m not so old as to forget that fast…but I am getting older, and need to put these invaluable experiences on “paper” so I can keep growing.

Early on in the pop-up scene, I had tried really hard to stick to what were typically traditional Cantonese items. Pork and cabbage potstickers, pork and shrimp siu mai, char siu baos, savory sticky rice with lap cheong. I was cooking recipes inspired by my mom’s cooking, or from items we enjoyed from Chinese restaurants.

But by only focusing on the traditional items my parents knew and replicated from their homeland, I was ignoring everything I grew up with and not incorporating concepts from other foods they cooked for us. Along with Cantonese food, we enjoyed cheeseburgers, hot dogs, spaghetti and meatballs, lasagna, and pizza to name a few.

I used to have an existential crisis whenever I made cheeseburger dumplings for my pop-ups. They (the dumplings) made me reevaluate my place in the food scene. Being forced down this narrow path throughout my short career (by my decision mostly to appease others) to only showcase foods my parents fed me.

I am expected to replicate, but never transform, deviate, or create. I know they’re just bacon cheeseburger dumplings, not some refined intricate dish that took much thought and planning. But they represent me and my upbringing, so when someone calls me a sellout the minute I put them on the menu I lose all sense of self.

I am the bacon cheeseburger dumpling, the bacon cheeseburger dumpling is me, we are one.

If it is seen as a bastardization of a potsticker, then I am a bastard of my culture as well, and we know bastards aren’t to blame for this - it’s the situation they were born into and the taboos that shape their narrative.

Aside from my parents being immigrants, I have no other ties to China. Why am I not allowed to bring my lived experiences into food just because I don't fit the image of being American (i.e., white)? And why is my integrity—or lack thereof—only determined by my ethnicity, rather than my lived experiences? Granted, nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to do anything. My decision to hold back was my own - to avoid the constant defense of my ideas and dishes whenever people think I’ve deviated from tradition - because sometimes I didn’t have that fight in me.

If tradition is defined as customs or beliefs passed down from generation to generation, then my parents' immigration to the States, along with their adaptability to a new environment, should be taken into consideration. In which case, I would argue I didn’t deviate from tradition whatsoever.

A high-brow American restaurant can sell Sichuan cold noodles, sushi, or dry fried eggplant and no one blinks twice when there’s very little to no explanation on the purpose or reasoning other than they were inspired by a dish they tried off Buford Highway. Why am I and many other minorities obligated to defend our food? Not only that, we carry the burden of answering questions and giving into demands of explanations and that tone shows through our story-telling behind each dish. Questions like “Why are you doing this?” “Why aren’t you sticking to tradition?” “Aren’t you afraid you’ll deter Chinese people?” “Are you trying to sell to white people?” And my story becomes something I dread sharing, my tone becomes more defensive as if trying to persuade the customer of my right to exist as I am, almost like a plea.

Concerning cultural appropriation.

I only bring up cultural appropriation because the term has been thrown at me more times than you would think. It’s been such a touchy subject for so many, and to the majority calling me out, quoting Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

While I believe cultural appropriation and appreciation do exist, I wholeheartedly believe that’s not going on here. Nor do I believe this is cultural appreciation - both those terms describe an outsider using another culture’s food as inspiration or commodification with or without respect.

While it was cultural appreciation when my parents cooked, it was simply my culture, the blend of American and Chinese. It is not a loophole to avoid controversy, it is its own thing, as an ABC (American-born Chinese). Oh, the paradox of having two cultures as our own, yet being considered outsiders by both, gotta love it.

So with the understanding that I am not an outsider putting my take on something I have eaten literally my entire life, how am I appropriating anything? Virtue-signalers are so quick to determine what I’m allowed and not allowed to cook. They may not say it to my face, but their questions always lead to this stance of “You look Asian so you gotta cook Asian food” whether they know it or not. And damn, that is fucking racist.

Food is constantly evolving - influenced by migration patterns, the availability of ingredients, and the need for adaptability and sustainability. So, really, I shouldn’t be having an existential crisis over a blend of beef, cheese, onions, and pickles wrapped in dough, served with fucking Big Mac sauce. Yet, some virtue signalers choose to focus on this, ignoring the deeper issues of ignorance, misogyny, and racism that still plague the restaurant industry. This isn’t a deflection or a cheap tactic - it’s a glaring irony. They unknowingly uphold the very patriarchal system they claim to challenge, mislabeling others and perpetuating the very problems they say they want to solve.

My food and ideas are a product of my upbringing and a form of self-expression. Conforming to the narrow definition of tradition while ignoring my upbringing as a second-generation Chinese American doesn’t make sense, especially in a country that is literally called a melting pot (at least, that’s what the idea was before 2016). Instead of judging my choices at face value, there needs to be some deep introspection on the real issues like ignorance, racism and misogyny within the patriarchy and how society views people like me. And time to reconsider what being a sellout really means.